Grieving the Loss of a Life You Expected

'Loss is an unwanted change,' a lesson I learnt. Read the Grief Story, 'When You Experience Grief Without Closure' by Lea Turner about mourning the loss of what could have been...

Welcome to the Grief Stories community! I hope you’ll find this to be a welcoming place where you’ll be able to share experiences, get things off your chest, support one another, ask questions, and chat to people who truly ‘get it’. I invite you to read and share stories of hope and healing; giving a voice to loss and grief. This is a safe place helping us to feel less alone on our journey and providing comfort in hard times.

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Change is hard, especially if it is one we didn't want. And loss is an unwanted change. We didn't ask for it, yet someone or something precious has been taken from us. Loss changes everything, some losses can rearrange our world, and the subsequent grief can change the trajectory of our lives forever.

Change is never easy, and sometimes, it can feel like it’s an endless tug-of-war inside us. When closure is absent, it’s as if we’re left standing on the edge of something we never quite understood, desperately searching for an answer that refuses to come. There’s a certain weight to those unfinished chapters, a heaviness that lingers.

This is what I felt after my traumatic accident, when I have not lost only my health, but also my dreams, ambitions, aspirations, hopes… I had to mourn not only the past, but also the future I had previously imagined.

Grieving the loss of a life you expected is a quiet, often invisible kind of pain. It’s not the sharp, obvious sorrow of losing something tangible—it’s the ache of all the dreams, plans, and expectations that never had the chance to unfold. I think of Michelle, who so bravely shared her grief story, shedding light on this invisible pain and the hidden grief of lost expectations. My heart goes out to everyone who finds themselves grieving this silent, internal loss - the mourning of the life they thought they would live and the future they once imagined, just like Lea. Today, I’m honoured to share her grief story.

In today’s Grief Stories, Lea Turner bravely shares her experience of loss, encouraging us to make space for the subtle grief that comes from life taking an unexpected turn, meaning we must learn to find peace with a new reality.

Her deeply personal journey became the foundation for her book The Freedom to Feel: Finding God in the Midst of Grief and Trauma. In it, Lea invites readers to see pain not as a problem to fix, but as an opportunity to connect with God. She offers no formula for coping with loss, but instead encourages embracing emotions and finding comfort in a God who understands.

I’m deeply grateful to Lea for sharing her story with such honesty and vulnerability. Her words are a testament to resilience, providing comfort and hope for when life feels unfamiliar, as if the ground beneath us has shifted and we’re left trying to find our footing again. Please let us know what you found meaningful in the comments.

‘When You Experience Grief Without Closure’ by Lea Turner

Grief Stories #010

My grief started with an unexpected call from my mom saying my dad fell and then followed by eight months of him battling brain cancer. The eighth-month period seemed like an eternity, yet also a blink of an eye. And then suddenly, during our collective prayers and fervent longing for a miracle, he's gone. The loss cut through us like a jagged blade, leaving behind an indelible void. It is a devastating blow, shattering our dreams and leaving us in a sea of grief.

In the coming years, I received five devastating phone calls, each ushering in a new and unique wave of pain and suffering. There were unexpected moments of grief, each different from the other. First, my father’s death, then my mom’s unexpected cancer diagnosis, our complete house fire, my son’s heart surgery, and finally, my oldest son’s addiction. It all caused grief to bubble to the surface, demanding attention, but the grief from my son’s addiction felt different.

I remember cleaning my son’s room after he left for rehab, crying, and feeling the weight of the reality of his addiction. My heart aches from missing him and wondering if I’ve done everything I could for him. I thought I could love him to wholeness. I tried to be there for him every time he reached out. How can I fill the emptiness I feel? How can I love him through this when nothing I do seems to be enough? Isn’t a mother supposed to protect her children from something like this happening?

Grief often comes from an unexpected chain of events: a job loss, a divorce, shattered dreams, a sudden diagnosis, or infertility, and you are left trying to make sense of it all. We often scratch our heads, wondering what went wrong. How on earth can this be my reality? Do I trust God to make everything right? We don’t know what to do with unmet dreams and prayers.

I once read this quote, “One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.”

The reality is, we can do it all right and still be sitting here grieving the unexpected. We never think life will take such a drastic turn—not in a million years. So here we are, grieving the loss of what we expected life to look like.

I had to grieve what I thought life should look like for my son: all the unfulfilled expectations—the clear path through college, the vacations without arguing, and then, there is the unknown. Will he ever be clean and whole? What will the future look like for our family? I longed to tie a bow around our story, but sometimes life isn’t neat and pretty. I wish for a red bow to neatly wrap around it all, assuring me that life is nothing but a collection of fairy-tale endings, but it’s not, and I don’t.

Over the years, I’ve realized I’m not alone. After loss or trauma, many people navigate a wilderness of emotions and can’t make sense of the grief that has no closure. We find ourselves sweeping up broken pieces of our shattered lives despite trying to avoid the pain.

I don’t know what your unexpected loss that brings on grief without closure is. It could be a divorce, an unexpected diagnosis, infertility, a wayward child making poor choices, a sudden accident that causes life to turn upside down, a job loss, or even unmet dreams. No matter what, God is there, right there in the mess of it.

There seem to be more questions than answers, and you continue to ask yourself if you’ve done something wrong to deserve this. You sit in disbelief and wonder if God will ever intervene. However, when we strip away the layers of hurt and pain, we realize we are grieving what we thought life should look like—grieving the change in plans because this isn’t what we expected. So, it really isn’t about the closure—it’s the loss of what life should have been. It’s the loss of what you thought life should look like.

I know the deep ache of that pain all too well. Allow the tears to flow and the praises to arise because God is still God. He hasn’t changed just because life has. He never leaves us, and He’s always working even when He seems silent.

Resist the urge to bypass your emotions. It can take some time. While others may stop in the darkness, we can allow ourselves to pause because we know He walks us through the darkness (Psalm 23:4).

Healing comes in the pause.

Healing comes in the moments of silence, where we acknowledge the grief and pain. An Austrian pianist and composer, Artur Schnabel, once said, “The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pause between the notes—ah, that is where the art resides.” Like the music, silence is not a void but an opportunity to recognize our feelings and grieve those unmet expectations.

I leave you with these words: “If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath” (Psalm 24:18 MSG).

Grief Story by Lea Turner

Friend, are you craving rest? Are you feeling weary, your soul thirsting for something more? In this season of grief, how can you nurture your spirit and find the refreshment you deeply need? Share in the comments.

Lea Turner is a heartfelt, empathetic writer and speaker who longs to meet and encourage us in our pain. Joyfully broken through three years of her family struggling with trauma and loss, including death, cancer, losing everything to a house fire, drug addiction, loss of a dream, and heart surgery, has made her a reluctant expert on grief. Lea is a soulful listener and wisdom seeker passionate about walking with grieving people through trauma, pain, and loss. She lives in Mississippi with her husband and five kids, making her a northern girl stuck in a southern world.

She is the author of the book, The Freedom to Feel: Finding God in the Midst of Grief and Trauma. Lea’s book gently guides readers to face their pain with kindness, seek hope in God’s promises, and learn how to support each other through suffering. It’s a heartfelt resource for both those grieving and those who want to better support them.

You can find more about Lea and her work on her website leaturner.com or connect with her on Facebook or Instagram.