Loss Changes Everything

'Loss changes everything,' a lesson loss taught me. Read the Grief Story, 'From Tragedy to Triumph' by Linda Henderson about how after years of living in pain she began to conquer it one day at a time

Welcome to the Grief Stories community! I hope you’ll find this to be a welcoming place where you’ll be able to share experiences, get things off your chest, support one another, ask questions, and chat to people who truly ‘get it’.  I invite you to read and share stories of hope and healing; giving a voice to loss and grief. This is a safe place helping us to feel less alone on our journey and providing comfort in hard times.

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Life will never be the same after loss. There’s no way back to life as we know it. We have to create a new normal. We haven’t only lost someone or something precious, we have lost a way of living and being. Loss, however, doesn’t only change our lives, it changes us. We will never be the same again. Nothing will ever be the same again. This hurts, and it always will hurt. But it doesn’t mean we can’t be happy again. While it’s hard, it doesn’t mean we’ll never be able to move forward.

In grief and trauma, we realise that we can’t control everything. Events outside of our control can change our world forever, in ways we never wanted them to. Everything can feel too much, too confusing and too consuming, and our pain too intense. Writing can help give us clarity as we authentically reflect on our experiences, struggles, and aspirations which in turn can led us to a path to healing.

I believe in the power of storytelling and that stories are meant to be shared. That's why I created 'Grief Stories' because even though words may not erase the pain a loss causes, they can provide comfort. May these stories, written by those experiencing loss, provide a plaster on your own wounds.

Life never will be the same after loss. We have to create a new normal.

Nothing can replace what we’ve lost. Whether it is someone we love, a relationship that will never be restored, our health that we can’t get back… Nothing can ever replace it. But there will be new experiences, new people, times that will serve as a plaster, gently covering the wounds inside us. And when this happens, don’t feel guilty. Just because we experience happiness and joy again, doesn’t mean we’ll ever forget. One of the greatest lessons of loss is to realise that sadness and happiness, sorrow and hope can all sit at the same table. Whilst holding space for one, we can experience the other. There’s room for both, even at the same time. Giving ourselves permission to feel both is freedom, not betrayal.

Today in the Grief Stories I am sharing a story by Linda Henderson about how after living in pain for many years following the loss of her daughter Andrea, she has found a way to reclaim her life and conquer grief one day at a time.

Giving ourselves permission to feel sadness and happiness is freedom, not a betrayal.

I am so grateful to Linda for comforting us with her story. Linda Henderson has recently published her book, ‘The Road of Love & Hope’. It is a memoir about her journey of child loss and grief. She has become passionate about reaching out to those suffering from grief and supporting those walking this long unwanted road.

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‘From Tragedy to Triumph’ by Linda Henderson

Grief Stories #003

I considered my life complete, happily married, enjoying friends, adult children, and grandchildren with whom we shared beautiful memories.  On December 20. 2011, any normalcy in my life was destroyed.

My beautiful 27-year-old daughter was killed in a motor vehicle accident. She was removed from my life in seconds, instantly, I was told. She was a front-seat passenger, and her co-worker was the driver. They were stopped waiting to make a left turn when they were hit from behind by a transport truck driver who was texting while driving. This collision pushed them into oncoming traffic, where they were struck by another car. The driver and Andrea were killed on impact. My daughter was expecting her second child and excited to have a sibling for her little 2-year-old son. On that day, I lost my past, present, and future with my daughter and unborn grandchild.

I was not given a choice to be courageous. Life handed me a situation where I had to live without my child. The devastation left my life shattered like glass broken into a million pieces, and how would I survive this?  With the piercing endless pain and many complex emotions of grief, the task of living again was terrifying. I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare filled with disbelief, chaos, and despair. My security and stability in life were non-existent. The shock protected me for a while as I moved along the unwanted treacherous road and tried desperately to grasp the reality of what happened. The journey of the unthinkable pushed me to unknown places, and I was swallowed up by profound sorrow.

 The trauma deeply embedded itself in my soul, and I experienced hopelessness and disconnection from life with unregulated emotions. I walked around like a robot, just existing and doing the next thing required of me. I wanted her back, to touch her precious face, hear her soft voice, see her smile, and feel her warm hugs. The indescribable pain transported me to another universe where I existed outside of my body, detached from anyone around me. My excruciating screams left me unable to speak and completely exhausted. I didn't want to wake up to the same agony each day, and I wanted the crushed feeling in my heart to be gone. I did not want to be here; I wanted to be where she was.  Eventually, the shock dissipated, and life slowly entered in whether I wanted it to or not. I have no idea when that happened.

With shock or not, the ugly faces of grief became part of my life, and the first one was anger. I was at the mercy of its strength. I never knew this feeling could be such a dangerous rage. I lived daily with this all-encompassing emotion and felt like I was going crazy. Anger needs a target, and for me, the texting truck driver who caused the accident was it. I live with a spark waiting to be ignited by the many triggers in life. I realize I will always have to deal with this intense feeling of grief.

As time moved me from day-to-day weeks into months, I experienced everything that grief has to offer. PTSD, complicated grief, fear, guilt, insomnia, and anxiety. The powerful emotion of fear prevented me from driving for many years. I was triggered by transport trucks. The site of them weakened me with the physical and emotional effects of fear that invaded my body and disabled me. Life has attacked me with the unimaginable, threatening me with the fear of who will die next.

I have my phone close by at night to prepare for the unexpected and dreaded call. Insomnia leaves me feeling like my bed is a torture chamber where I fight to fall asleep. Depression has become part of my daily life. The deep sadness that forces me to have no interest in things I once enjoyed.

I have finally accepted that I will have good and bad days, and I will always have to adjust my life accordingly. Then there are triggers, such as a song, picture, place, or fragrance that transports me back to the darkest day of my life. Most of the time, they are unexpected and lurk around every corner of my life. When I am ambushed by a trigger, the distressful negative feelings are overwhelming, and the rest of my day is influenced by my recovery. This is a permanent aspect of my life; thankfully, I have learned some coping skills with time.

The demands of grief are exhausting, and my life is altered forever. I learned that I am a different person, one that I am still trying to recognize.  With the many changes that happened after Andreas' death, I am forced to accept the unfamiliar face I see in the mirror. Grief slowly revealed someone new. I am not sure I like this person, but I am still working on it. My perception of the fairness of life has now changed forever.

Grief taught me that life is short, precious, and worth living, and I can't just let it pass by. I slowly realized I had to embrace every moment with appreciation and purpose. What I do know is that the pain moved me from my weakest point and sculpted me into someone stronger than I ever imagined I could be. My profound loss has rearranged my path, and I have to follow a course not planned on without my daughter. While I struggle to reinvent my life, I have realized the love and bond with my daughter is my guiding light. After 12 years of living with my brokenness, I have gradually reclaimed my life from the tragedy and am triumphantly conquering grief one day at a time.

While this is a life I would never choose, I allow the love for my daughter to dominate my life, not the pain. I embrace my journey of loss and take the lessons to move forward and live the best life that I can. Time has taught me to be the owner of grief and give control when I allow it. Grief is part of me now and will always need some space.

I have recently published my book, "The Road of Love & Hope". It is a memoir about my journey of child loss and grief. I have become passionate about reaching out to those suffering from grief. I am confident to say now I am someone who can support those walking this long unwanted road. In the process, perhaps I may grow and heal along with them. 

Grief Story by Linda Henderson

Friend, are you going through a hard time? Check out my free Trauma Survivor’s Guide ‘7 Keys To Self-Healing’, I created for those experiencing trauma and grief.

Linda is a retired nurse who has spent 37 years caring for others. Experiencing the tragic loss of her daughter, she became passionate about helping others navigate the journey of grief. Together with her career, she was determined to increase her knowledge about suffering. She has certificates in Professional Grief and Development, Coping with Child Loss, and Bereavement Counseling.

Her journey has shaped her and given her the determination to live life to the fullest. Nine years into her grief she decided to put her pain and suffering into words and wrote a book, ‘The Road of Love & Hope: The Journey of Child Loss’. Since publishing her book, her new purpose and vision is to share her story to provide inspiration, hope, and empowerment to people suffering from grief and other adversities of life.

You can connect with Linda on Facebook, Instagram or TikTok.