Loss Is Not Your Fault

Sharing a lesson loss taught me and the first Grief Story, 'A Daughter's Journey from Grief to Love' by Janice Lombardo about what can help us alleviate feelings of guilt when moving through grief...

May 16, 2024

Welcome to the Grief Stories community! I hope you’ll find this to be a welcoming place where you’ll be able to share experiences, get things off your chest, support one another, ask questions, and chat to people who truly ‘get it’. I invite you to read and share stories of hope and healing; giving a voice to loss and grief. This is a safe place helping us to feel less alone on our journey and providing comfort in hard times.

Aren’t special days and anniversaries supposed to be happy occasions? But when the ones dearest to you aren’t here any longer, they become really hard. They can bring up a lot of difficult feelings. Old thoughts of guilt and shame may come back. We are back in the whirl of those familiar ‘would’, ‘could’, ‘should’, and start to question if what we did was right. But those ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ aren’t helpful.

Even though it may sometimes feel like it, loss isn’t your fault. It took me years to understand this. But the truth is that no amount of guilt can change the past. Guilt isn’t a healthy emotion, but as loss taught me, we use it to help us find order. We find something or someone to blame, and very often, this someone is actually us. So, we blame ourselves.

No amount of guilt can change our past.

Because surely, if we were just there on time, or if we just not been in that place at that time, or if we had been with them at that moment in time… but then what? Would we be able to change the outcome? How? Yes, perhaps we wouldn’t now blame ourselves for things, but I can guarantee you that our irrational brain would find something else to blame ourselves for. Because it’s easier to blame and occupy ourselves with blame than face the pain of losing our loved ones. It’s easier to blame ourselves for not having done something than to accept that there isn’t anything we could have done. One of the loss lessons I learnt was that there are things we don’t have control over, no matter what we may have done.

I’ve been involved with mental health for long enough to know that guilt when grieving is a rule, not an exception. It is astonishing how often the feeling of guilt is triggered by the grief process. There are so many of us who experience this feeling when grieving. No wonder then that the first grief story addresses the burden of the guilt so many of us experience in our grief journey. I’m so grateful to Janice Lombardo, a certified End-of-Life Doula, for sharing her grief story and addressing what helped her to alleviate the feeling of guilt when moving through grief.

If you are grieving and feel guilty, you are not alone.

And there is another reason to share Janice’s grief story right now as it was exactly on Mother’s Day 13 years ago when Janice’s mum, Ruth, ‘transitioned’ (as Janice writes). Anniversaries and special days, such as Mother’s Day can be hard when we have lost our mum. It has now been over a decade since my mum, Anna, passed away and this Mother’s Day I decided that rather than thinking of her death, I would celebrate her, her life, and my love for her. So I wrote a message to her. And I launched the Grief Stories community in her honour.

I am so grateful to Janice for sharing her grief story and for her honesty and vulnerability. I hope Janice’s grief story will provide comfort and empowerment in your grief journey and help your healing. Let us know what you found meaningful in the comments.

‘A Daughter's Journey From Grief to Love' by Janice Lombardo

Grief Stories #001

There are times when you look back to events that occurred in your life. You replay the scenarios repeatedly in your mind, feeling the feels while remembering the details of that event. This is how memories are cemented into your mind.

When my Mom was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma in May 2003, the first five years of her treatments included five different regimens of chemotherapy and a clinical trial. She was allergic to the main chemo drug, Rituxan. Whenever she had chemo, she would break out in a bad rash. It was so aggressive that she would be given Benadryl to stop the reaction, which would knock her out for the next two hours while receiving treatment.

Fast forward to year six. Her treatment options were limited due to her age (74) and other diagnosis she had. We were told the only treatment option available was a radio-active isotope called Zevelin. The oncologist said it would put her into remission. What he neglected to share was that one of the major side effects was the possibility of developing acute leukemia. She wanted to live. The decision was made, she took the protocol and went into remission. We were all so happy, this new part of her treatment plan was working and gave us all hope for more time together. But why couldn’t I be happy with this? Why was I skeptical, having negative thoughts and feelings of dread? Why? I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, that this happiness everyone else was feeling was a lie.

But WHY was I feeling this way, this sadness and dread? I just couldn’t understand it and I tried at times so hard, to ignore it. Talking with Mom’s doctors about test results and prognosis, asking questions, doing research, just about anything I could think of to learn more. In my mind, I was going to do everything and anything I could to keep her alive. I wasn’t ready to let go. I pushed my feelings aside, put on a happy face, and oftentimes pretended to enjoy the next 14 months with Mom and the family.

In year seven Mom developed Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. We all still had hope that she would live a long time. Unfortunately, that was not meant to be. She did everything she could, but this form of cancer is in the blood. It drastically reduced her red blood cell counts and you can’t live this way for very long.

In March 2011, year eight of Mom’s cancer journey, it finally happened. Mom lived close by to me and she came for a visit that Saturday. The weather was unusually warm for our part of the country and there was very little snow. We had a nice visit, she got to see her grandchildren and I was feeling grateful that she was able to spend some time with us. I was happy and relaxed during our time together. When it was time to leave, I walked her to the door and watched her walk to her car. She turned and waved, blew a few kisses, got in, and drove away.

At that moment it hit me. I knew in my heart, that this moment was the last time I was going to see her drive out of my driveway. My heart and mind were screaming it, tears filled my eyes (as they’re doing now) and the dread came back with a vengeance. These feelings were like giant waves crashing into my chest, a sense of foreboding and overwhelming sadness enveloped me. And what did I do? I took a few deep breaths, wiped my tears and hid my thoughts and feelings, buried them deep inside. I didn’t want to frighten my children, didn’t want to hear my husband tell me I was being dramatic, and I didn’t have the support I needed then to process what was happening. I had to be strong for everyone else, especially my Mom. I couldn’t let myself grieve for what was coming. So, I tucked everything away in my heart, wasn’t ready to acknowledge what I was seeing and feeling, and couldn’t bring myself to accept the inevitable – my Mom was not going to survive.

From March to May 2011, my Mom’s health declined rapidly. She transitioned from this world on Mother’s Day, May 15, 2011. Then my journey of healing began. It took me five years to be able to look at a picture of Mom without bursting into tears. It was also during that time that I unpacked all the feelings of grief that I had accumulated over the last eight years.

Doing the inner work, I researched the different forms of grief and discovered that I had been carrying guilt, mental and anticipatory grief. Guilt covers all those ‘I wish I could have’, ‘I should have’, or ‘I wish I had’. Emotions range from intense to mood swings and even to depression. I know when my Mom was nearing the end of her cancer journey, I felt guilty that I couldn’t fix the situation. My feelings were valid to me, but the reality was I had done everything humanly possible. My guilt stemmed from my feelings of helplessness. When Mom passed away, I took time to evaluate my feelings and understand that I was a good, loving daughter and that no one has control over anyone’s life journey. There are events that happen in life that we need to face and come to terms with.

No one has control over anyone’s life journey.

Mental grief symptoms can include anger, guilt, anxiety, sadness, and depression. Anticipatory (or Preparatory) Grief is the distress a person may feel in the days, months, or even years before a death occurs. It's the experience of knowing that a change is coming, and starting to experience bereavement in the face of that change.

My life experiences around grief and loss and the work I’ve done to heal, allow me to help others as they face this painful part of life. There is no time limit on grief, be kind to yourself, and in time, you can heal.

Grief Story by Janice Lombardo

Friend, what milestones or memorials will you mark this month? Are you experiencing guilt in your grief journey? What is helping you to process and deal with it? Share in the comments.

Grief Stories by Katy Parker from Journeyofsmiley

Discussion about this post