Embracing Life After Loss

'There is life beyond loss,' a lesson loss taught me. Read the Grief Story, 'A Beacon of Hope After Loss' by Kristin Divers Markey about embracing life after loss and growing through grief...

Welcome to the Grief Stories community! I hope you’ll find this to be a welcoming place where you’ll be able to share experiences, get things off your chest, support one another, ask questions, and chat to people who truly ‘get it’.  I invite you to read and share stories of hope and healing; giving a voice to loss and grief. This is a safe place helping us to feel less alone on our journey and providing comfort in hard times.

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With the loss of someone or something precious to us, our first reaction is often denial. We might be lost for words or numb for feelings. It’s just too hard to believe that we will never see our loved one again. Our heart is broken. It hurts, and we believe it will always be this way. We don’t see loss as something that we can learn from, something that can actually help us to grow. But looking back at the times I have lost someone or something dear to me, I can now see the lessons of loss I learnt. Whilst I would never freely choose the path my life has taken, the reality is that we all experience loss during our lives.

Ironically, every loss I have experienced taught me lessons about life and living. No one knows when their life is going to come to an end. The only thing we know for sure is that one day it will. Therefore, let’s live our lives to the fullest. Let’s create memories so we can be remembered even once we are no longer here. Life is precious and yet too short, so let’s not waste it. There is life beyond our loss. And it can be filled with joy, love, and laughter.

As Mina shared in her story ‘nothing is so bad that good can’t come from it.’ Something she learnt on her healing journey, while travelling the world following the death of her daughter Francesca.

The lessons of loss, however hard, are also very valuable. Loss can teach us so much if we allow it.

Is there anything you’ve learnt from loss? Anything surprising?

I’m grateful to Kristin Divers Markey who has shared her grief story on how she has embraced her life after the loss of her husband Mike. Moving forward in our life after a loss isn’t easy, and it doesn’t mean that we have forgotten our loved ones. We will never forget them. We can’t forget something that we carry with us every day in our hearts. However, we are are allowed to experience happiness and joy again. We just need to give ourselves permission to do so.

One of the greatest lessons of loss is to realise that sadness and happiness, sorrow and hope can sit at the same table. Whilst holding space for one, we can experience the other. There’s room for both, even at the same time. Giving ourselves permission to feel both is freedom, not a betrayal.

I am so grateful to Kristin for sharing her grief story and for her honesty and vulnerability. I hope Kristin’s grief story will provide you with hope and encouragement in your own grief journey, as you allow yourself to move forward in life and make the most of the time you have on this world. Let us know what you found meaningful in the comments.

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‘A Beacon of Hope After Loss’ by Kristin Divers Markey

Grief Stories #006

It has been almost nine years since the night my husband died, and I still remember that feeling of unbelief and shock.

How could my 51-year-old husband be dead? We had been sitting on the beach with friends, enjoying a beautiful sunset and moonrise only hours earlier. When he never returned from a visit to the bathroom in the clubhouse, I figured he had walked back to our house, which was across the street from the clubhouse.

That evening, as I left the beach, an ambulance was driving away from the clubhouse. A neighbour told me the man inside looked like my husband.

Friends drove me to the hospital, and there he was. Dead. What happened? I asked.  I was told his heart stopped. Then I heard he had been in a fight. The police would come to speak to me after they knew more.

I had to call people, like my son, who had just started his first year of college the week before in another state.

With support from friends and family, this Labor Day weekend turned into a time of mourning and a funeral.  I took a leave of absence from my teaching job and focused on my financial situation and my health.

When I discovered that two men were responsible for killing my husband in a fight on his way to use the restroom at our beach clubhouse, my healing took a turn.  Do I let it go? No one had been arrested in his death.  I had questions, and the more I looked into what happened, the more questions arose.

I could not sleep.  I tried to go back to work, but that was too hard. During my sleepless stirrings, I relived fantasies about how he died and felt guilty that I did not do more to help him that night.

It helped me to speak to an attorney who was interested in getting justice for my husband and my family.  He employed a private investigator to question what exactly happened that night.  The surveillance video was in police custody as they claimed it was an ongoing investigation, but we had not heard from them. My attorney pushed for a Grand Jury hearing where the corrupt and later imprisoned District Attorney presented some information and testimony from teens at the party in the clubhouse that night.  When it was decided not to pursue criminal charges, I set out to pursue a civil lawsuit.

My complicated grief and sleepless nights led me to seek therapy. The grief specialist helped me with EMDR therapy to put the trauma of that evening in perspective. In addition, I met with a psychologist for talk therapy and started a prescription for antidepressants. This helped me get back to work and function in my daily life.

But I wanted more than that.

I signed up for yoga classes and acupuncture. I visited psychic mediums.  Friends invited me to do things with them, and I always said yes.  After a devastatingly sad first holiday season without my husband of 26 years, I planned small trips or adventures for dates that could trigger another breakdown.

In fact, for the one-year anniversary of his death, I chose to travel to Thailand by myself. I wanted to redefine my life.  I was no longer going to be identified as the sad widow whose husband was killed, and justice not served.  I was going to be the courageous woman who travels to exotic places and keeps embracing life despite this horrific trauma.

Staying in my home was a priority despite not having my husband's salary to help with monthly expenses.  This was a challenge.  Once the cause of my husband's death was identified as homicide, I was able to receive his small life insurance policy. That sum was less than a year’s worth of his salary, but getting it all together made those early months easier.

The lawsuit dragged on for over two years, and I went about my life going to work, staying involved in my sons’ lives, and making plans to travel on breaks from school. However, loneliness set in.  I missed having a husband and a special someone in my life. I was curious that my friends had met nice men using online dating apps, so I wanted to try it. Maybe I would have a few fun dates and meet some interesting people.  A positive attitude led me to sign up for 'Our Time,' a dating site for people over 50.

After a few text messages with strangers, I met a man who was divorced and lived only 5 miles from my house.  He was my first date. We met for dinner and had a mutual attraction. Soon we were spending most of our evenings together and planning for the future.

Four years after his death, I found love again and married.  I will never stop loving my late husband. With deep grief and loss comes appreciation for life. This new love makes me smile and brings joy again. I loved being married the first time as we established careers and raised our family. In this new chapter, we are enjoying retirement, traveling, and taking care of each other as we grow older.

Journaling helped me process my grief, especially in the early days. I could take out my anger and sadness on paper without hurting anyone.  I started a blog called 'Runawaywidow' to stay connected with family and friends on my trip to Thailand.  My blog continued with a life of its own as I added stories about life after loss and my travel adventures.

Moving forward is not easy, but starting with baby steps can make it easier. No one is promised tomorrow, so make the most of the time you have and live your best life now.

Grief Story by Kristin Divers Markey

Friend, what heartaches are you facing? Are you in a season of grief? What have you learnt about grief? Share in the comments.

Kristin Divers Markey is a retired kindergarten teacher, mother, and remarried widow. She is very active on her blog, 'Runawaywidow,' offering hope and healing advice for widows and women who love to travel. Her book, ‘No Simple Highway: A widow’s journey to seek justice for her husband’s death,’ was published in 2022.  Kristin enjoys visiting book clubs who have read her book and sharing stories of healing after losing a loved one. She lives in Florida with her husband and dog, Harry.

You can find more about Kristin and her work on her website runawaywidow.com or connect with her on Facebook or Instagram.