Finding Purpose After Loss

'We can find purpose after loss,' a lesson loss taught me. Read the Grief Story, 'Nothing Is so Bad That Good Can't Come From It' by Mina Blair about how loss taught her lessons of life

Aug 15, 2024

Welcome to the Grief Stories community! I hope you’ll find this to be a welcoming place where you’ll be able to share experiences, get things off your chest, support one another, ask questions, and chat to people who truly ‘get it’. I invite you to read and share stories of hope and healing; giving a voice to loss and grief. This is a safe place helping us to feel less alone on our journey and providing comfort in hard times.

I don’t know where you are on your grief journey so this may sound unthinkable for you right now, but you will come to the stage where you will begin to accept reality. No matter how much you blame yourself or others, no amount of anger, bitterness or tears will change the outcome. It’s normal to feel these things. But don’t get stuck in the pain. Instead, use the time for healing. Grief can be a healer, and you can heal if you allow yourself to.

I am not saying that this is going to be easy nor that it will happen today or tomorrow, but loss has taught me that whilst we can’t control the loss itself, we can control our reactions and how we think about it. What has happened has happened, we can’t change it. It isn’t your fault, and blaming yourself won’t change the situation. If anything, it will just make things worse. Learning to forgive myself was probably the most crucial lesson I learnt when it comes to dealing with loss.

Loss has taught me that whilst we can’t control the loss itself, we can control our reactions and how we think about it.

Guilt isn’t a healthy emotion; you can read more about guilt and grief in this grief story by Janice. Your loved ones know you did everything you could and they want you to move forward because this isn’t your end. As a priest once said to me, “God left you on this Earth for a reason,” and I believe it. After all, if I had not experienced loss in my life, I would never have returned to writing nor created the Grief Stories community. In loss and grief, I found my purpose, because I was able to open up to the possibility that there is more to grief than just pain. One of the valuable lessons loss taught me was that we don’t have to be the victims of the tragedy we experienced. With love and care, we can honour our loss whilst creating a fulfilled and purposeful life.

In loss and grief, I found my purpose, because I was able to open up to the possibility that there is more to grief than just pain.

And I’m grateful to Mina Blair who shared her grief story and how she discovered that ‘nothing is so bad that good can’t come from it’ whilst on her healing journey around the world, following the death of her daughter Francesca.

I am so grateful to Mina for comforting us with her story. Mina Blair is the author of the book, ‘Not for the last time: A true story of how to find hope, courage and strength’. She also runs the MatChat™ Podcast where she talks to interesting people from all walks of life about physical, mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. And I feel honoured that I had the opportunity to be one of her guests. You can read more about it and find the link to the podcast’s episode where we discussed some important topics here.

‘Nothing Is so Bad That Good Can’t Come From It’ by Mina Blair

Grief Stories #004

My name is Mina, and I’ll be the first to admit that for a very long time, I did not believe that ‘nothing is so bad that good can’t come from it’. I was quite a fearful person, always worrying about what might happen. The glass was always half empty and not half full.

And then the worst thing did actually happen. Now, nothing can prepare you for hearing your child’s last exhale and dying in your arms, but I am one of those people who have had to experience it. Francesca died when she was 12 years old, my youngest of two daughters. She had been physically unwell since birth but was otherwise a happy, smart and funny girl. She taught us a lot about what really matters, about finding joy in the little things.

But she had to leave us and my life shifted dramatically. Even though I knew the end was coming for some time, the loss was no less devastating. It is just so profoundly and deeply painful. It plunged me straight away into “Why me?”, “Why her?”, “Life is so unfair” etc. I think this is a normal place to be. Still, I eventually realised I couldn’t stay there, remaining the victim and feeling sorry for myself. And so the moment of choice eventually dawned: remain in the intense pain or begin the process of surrendering and letting go.

This process took many years but the universe was kind to me and put in my path all the people I needed to meet and lead me to all the places I needed to be in order to heal. It wasn’t easy, but over time I came to understand what Francesca had gifted us. You see, bad things don’t happen to people who deserve it. They can happen to anyone at any time, that part is not in our control. However, what is in our control is how we respond to it.

I decided to rise to the challenge, and through the journey of self-discovery that followed Francesca’s passing, I could see the bigger picture. Yes, my heart was broken, but it broke open. Gone was the nagging fear always in the background since my childhood, the worry, the underlying anxiety. In its place grew resilience, inner strength and a resolve to stay present and choose joy. Francesca would have loved to stay with us and live a full life, and so the best way to honour her was for me to live my life fully. Otherwise, her short life would have been for nothing.

People don’t want to talk about loss and the pain of grief because it’s frightening. When Francesca died it was clear that in people’s responses was the relief that it wasn’t them. They are the ones who will say things like, “You only get what you can handle”, “You must be really strong”. What they are really saying is, “I couldn’t possibly manage that [so it’s better that it’s you]”. But this is not the case because life is fragile and precious for everyone equally. Child death in particular is a huge taboo here in the West, precisely because it is so unimaginable, unthinkable and unacceptable. I’ve had people walk away from me because the topic was too overwhelming. That’s what it’s like when you live in fear.

People don’t want to talk about loss and the pain of grief because it’s frightening.

I have travelled a lot on my healing journey, and the most helpful places I visited was central Africa and Asia; cultures where death is simply accepted as part of life, including child death. I felt comfortable and safe talking about my experience there, I felt understood, not pitied. It was profound to see and learn that where death was a daily possibility, not only was there an absence of fearing it but also the constant presence of joy, love and generosity! Being grateful for life in every moment is not some cliché here, but it is what these people start and end every day with.

So, whatever misfortune befalls you, there will be a gift in it; some learning, a personal growth opportunity. If you choose it! Grieving is as natural as laughing and loving. It’s being human. There is no shame in it. And the more we share our stories, the more we can feel reassured and reassure others. That is how I know that nothing is so bad that good can’t come from it.

Grieving is as natural as laughing and loving. It’s being human. There is no shame in it.

Grief Story by Mina Blair

Friend, how about you? Have you ever felt isolated in your grief? Were you able to find a new meaning and purpose in your life after your loss? What are some of the hard but valuable lessons loss taught you? Share in the comments.

Grief Stories by Katy Parker from Journeyofsmiley

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